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All hail Canada.
You there in the U.S. — stand up and give us a heartfelt, "Hoo-rah!" Why? Because we deserve it. We are a sporting power the likes of which makes Finland blush, Australia weep and even you Americans go, "What in the world is happening?"
A Canadian athlete has now been voted the most valuable player in baseball's American League (Justin Morneau), the National Basketball Association (Steve Nash) and the National Hockey League (Joe Thornton). Plus, Quebec's George St. Pierre won the Ultimate Fighting Championship world welterweight crown last Saturday and we also barely missed out on the 2006 world rock, paper, scissors championships. An Englishman won but we won't talk about him.
We're here to boast about how Canadians are dominating in sports we barely care about, at least not compared to the Toronto Maple Leafs' power play. Sure, Toronto has the Blue Jays and the Raptors but major league baseball and the NBA do not resonate across the true north strong and free.
In fact, there are soon to be no Triple-A baseball teams left in Canada and, when it comes to basketball, fans outside the Greater Toronto Area are either into university or high school hoops or not at all.
So how did we produce Morneau and Nash, a two-time NBA MVP winner? They were brought to our country by aliens; that's the best explanation we can come up with. Yes, both liked hockey and Nash played it when he was knee-high to a goal post.
But Morneau never went to college to play baseball. He was drafted by the Minnesota Twins, went to the minors then on to the bigs. As for Nash, he went to Santa Clara University in California and used to dribble a tennis ball to class because dribbling a basketball was too easy for him. Growing up in Victoria, B.C., Nash played chess, lacrosse, soccer and didn't even try basketball until he was in Grade 8.
Four years later, the kid with the jitterbug game led his high school to the provincial title, which is why we say he was planted on our soil by aliens. This would also explain other events that have made Americans scratch their heads in wonder:
Larry Walker winning baseball's National League MVP in 1997.
The Toronto Blue Jays winning back-to-back World Series championships.
Mike Weir winning The Masters — left handed.
Lennox Lewis becoming a world heavyweight boxing champ.
Ricky Williams signing with the Toronto Argonauts.
Not to mention all our international sports stars, from Perdita Felicien to Pierre Lueders, who have conquered the globe with their ability to run fast or slide downhill at the speed of blur.
Some of you may not buy into this other-worldly explanation as to why Canada rules the sporting map and, it's true, we offer no concrete proof. However, think about Alex Trebek. He was born in Sudbury and having hosted Jeopardy! for almost 200 years he is now the smartest man on the planet.
Like how do you explain that? We're thinking Neptune.
