It only used to happen in the Stanley Cup playoffs.
A player would come off the ice in the middle of an important game with, say, a hockey stick imbedded in one ear hole and protruding from the other and the head coach, in his post-game interview, would stand up in front of the media and say, "It's an upper-body injury."
Of course, being the playoffs and all, this was viewed as a silly but needful thing. Heaven help the poor player if he returned to action with everyone knowing he'd been harpooned in the head because, right away, everyone would go after him as if he were a wounded seal.
But here we are, barely two months into the 2006-2007 National Hockey League regular season, and already there are teams playing the upper-body/lower-body card as if it really, truly matters.
The Stanley Cup champion Carolina Hurricanes are doing it. So are the Minnesota Wild and various other NHL teams, which begs the question: what's the big deal? If a player leaves the ice carrying his right leg under his arm, why we would be so gullible as to think, "Yeah, lower-body injury. Could be a muscle strain; could be a third-degree spasm. No worries, he'll be back in days."
This business of non-disclosing injuries is a byproduct of head coaches strung out on paranoia. Virtually every head man in pro sports believes he can't hiccup without someone cataloging his actions and planning a counter-hiccup move that will lead to a crucial turnover with time running out.
To all these coaches, I'd like to say, "Get a life." But that's like asking Britney Spears to stick with K-Fed.
So, is there something the NHL can do to stop this injury-reporting silliness before it reaches epic proportions? ("Bobby Orr? That would be a lower-extremity, upper-ankle booboo of the third kind.") The NHL could force its teams to tell the truth but, guaranteed, there'll be a franchise in Wawa, Ont., before that happens.
At the very least, NHL teams should say, "Our guy has a serious knee injury that's being looked at by doctors, specialists and insurance investigators." That way, the team doesn't look foolish, the NHL doesn't look rinky-dink and fans won't feel as if their intelligence has been insulted.
Upper body, lower body — imagine if that was used outside of pro sports during some of the major news events of the past 100 years.
President Kennedy has been placed on the injured reserve list with an upper body injury. Team officials say he could be out of action anywhere from four to six weeks.
The Titanic has suffered a lower hull injury. There will be no further updates until somebody in a submarine can assess the possible damage.
The Hiddenburg has been taken to a nearby hospital for examination. It is an upper-dirigible injury. There will be no further updates until an MRI has been taken.
I'd like to write more on this subject but I have just been stricken by an upper-body injury. It involves an extremity — a right-handed extremity. Okay, I'm a two-finger typist and I have a cut on my right pointer finger and it hurts to type words longer than Ovechkin.
At least I told you. That's more than you can say for the Carolina Hurricanes, may their lower bodies undergo extreme pain and suffering then fall off.
Not that they'd acknowledge it.
